In my last post I told you how excited I was for a mission, and how it's the right decision for me, right? Well that's still correct, so don't thinking I'm wallowing right now.
But I'm really sad to not be going back to school. Which is weird in some ways, but also not so much because I really love BYU. It's hard to watch all my friends post things about preparing for the upcoming school year and I'm just sitting at home wanting to dust off my clogging shoes and join them in what was going to be the best class schedule ever. Someone posted a picture of the RB the other day and I was just like, "Ah, the smell!" You know the smell? The smell of returning to school? Want it. Also roommates and my ward. They are just so great and will be very missed.
But, alas. Sacrifices and stuff. Also the irony in this situation is that a few months ago I was moping about how I felt so stuck in Utah/school while everyone else went out on great adventures such as missions. So, that's funny. I think sometimes I suffer from thinking the grass is greener on the other side, at least that's what my mom told me when I talked about one time I got soup at Kneader's.
Aaaanyway. Keep on keepin' on, my friends.
Showing posts with label self reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self reflection. Show all posts
8.22.2013
7.08.2013
the long and short of it
If this summer had an official name, it'd probably be something like "Wasting My Life Away And Having An Epiphany Every Other Day That I'm Wasting My Life Away".
But really.
Today was supposed to be so productive and full of things that really need to happen, but then it wasn't. I suppose I babysat Amalie to help Trina be productive, so that counts for something, right? But then out of the blue I have get this headache that decides to just stick around for a while. And now it's after 8 and I haven't eaten dinner but nothing really sounds good right now. Actually, a lot sounds good right now, but nothing that sounds good also sounds worth the effort - you know the days? So who knows if I'm even going to eat dinner tonight.
But enough with the moaning. I want to tell you about my weekend, because it was one of the best ever, one of those weekends where you're just like, "that was precisely what I needed" and you begin the week feeling rejuvenated and whole.
The 4th of July is probably one of my favorite holidays, but I never remember that until it comes around and then I think, "oh that's right - I love this day!", which is always a pleasant surprise, I suppose. It's full of food and family and usually a fair amount of outdoor fun, and those things are the absolute best, in my book.
Thursday started with work, but I didn't even mind all that much. Afterwards I got ready lickety-split and was able to catch the end of the parade, and then for lunch there was a barbecue with ward friends and boy do I like them. The afternoon/evening was spent in Alpine with my family hosting our very first Lewis gathering in our new house. Which, if you know Lewis gatherings, is quite the event. This was awesome in and of itself because we were never able to play host in our old house because we lacked the entertainment space, but now we've got it and finally being able to do that was a wonderful feeling. We ate delicious food and played volleyball in the backyard and in the evening after everyone had left, just the immediate family headed over to a park to watch fireworks. We were there because that was one of the designated places in Alpine that fireworks were allowed, but honestly I think that's how it should be every year because it was just this big firework fest that of families sharing their fireworks in a totally unorganized fashion and I loved it.
I had work off Friday, which meant I was able to spend the night at home, which honestly meant so much and made me enjoy my 4th so much more, knowing I didn't have to race back to Provo that evening. I woke up to a phone call from best friend Christian inviting me to go to Deer Creek with his family and spend the day on their waverunners. And really, can you say no to that? So that's just what I did, and it was so wonderful. Cafe Rio and Harry Potter in the evening with my family, so enough said.
Saturday morning my family went to the temple to do baptisms, and it was Cami's first time. Boy oh boy was that amazing. What an experience to be there with the people I love the most, and to see Cami there for the first time. Needless to say, we were all emotional. IHOP afterwards where Natalie was in one of her silly moods, and let me tell you - those are the best. Star Trek in the afternoon with friends and back to Provo. Sunday was wonderful as well, as it always is.
You know the biggest realization I came to this weekend? My family members are my favorite people in the whole world. Given the choice of who to hang out with, I would honestly choose them. I'm lucky enough not only to love my siblings and parents, but to like them as well. I would hang out with them over my friends any day because I get along with them the best, and I genuinely enjoy their company. I don't know how many people in the world can say that, but there sure are a lot that can't, and I'm so grateful I'm able to. I brought this up to my sister and she pointed out how much that says about the way our parents raised us. She's right, of course - so thanks, Mom and Dad.
Anyway, this summer is turning out to be one of the best ever, despite a lot of challenging things. I'm learning more about hard work and self-discipline than ever, and I'm grateful for these experiences. Life is good, despite this headache.
But really.
Today was supposed to be so productive and full of things that really need to happen, but then it wasn't. I suppose I babysat Amalie to help Trina be productive, so that counts for something, right? But then out of the blue I have get this headache that decides to just stick around for a while. And now it's after 8 and I haven't eaten dinner but nothing really sounds good right now. Actually, a lot sounds good right now, but nothing that sounds good also sounds worth the effort - you know the days? So who knows if I'm even going to eat dinner tonight.
But enough with the moaning. I want to tell you about my weekend, because it was one of the best ever, one of those weekends where you're just like, "that was precisely what I needed" and you begin the week feeling rejuvenated and whole.
The 4th of July is probably one of my favorite holidays, but I never remember that until it comes around and then I think, "oh that's right - I love this day!", which is always a pleasant surprise, I suppose. It's full of food and family and usually a fair amount of outdoor fun, and those things are the absolute best, in my book.
Thursday started with work, but I didn't even mind all that much. Afterwards I got ready lickety-split and was able to catch the end of the parade, and then for lunch there was a barbecue with ward friends and boy do I like them. The afternoon/evening was spent in Alpine with my family hosting our very first Lewis gathering in our new house. Which, if you know Lewis gatherings, is quite the event. This was awesome in and of itself because we were never able to play host in our old house because we lacked the entertainment space, but now we've got it and finally being able to do that was a wonderful feeling. We ate delicious food and played volleyball in the backyard and in the evening after everyone had left, just the immediate family headed over to a park to watch fireworks. We were there because that was one of the designated places in Alpine that fireworks were allowed, but honestly I think that's how it should be every year because it was just this big firework fest that of families sharing their fireworks in a totally unorganized fashion and I loved it.
I had work off Friday, which meant I was able to spend the night at home, which honestly meant so much and made me enjoy my 4th so much more, knowing I didn't have to race back to Provo that evening. I woke up to a phone call from best friend Christian inviting me to go to Deer Creek with his family and spend the day on their waverunners. And really, can you say no to that? So that's just what I did, and it was so wonderful. Cafe Rio and Harry Potter in the evening with my family, so enough said.
Saturday morning my family went to the temple to do baptisms, and it was Cami's first time. Boy oh boy was that amazing. What an experience to be there with the people I love the most, and to see Cami there for the first time. Needless to say, we were all emotional. IHOP afterwards where Natalie was in one of her silly moods, and let me tell you - those are the best. Star Trek in the afternoon with friends and back to Provo. Sunday was wonderful as well, as it always is.
You know the biggest realization I came to this weekend? My family members are my favorite people in the whole world. Given the choice of who to hang out with, I would honestly choose them. I'm lucky enough not only to love my siblings and parents, but to like them as well. I would hang out with them over my friends any day because I get along with them the best, and I genuinely enjoy their company. I don't know how many people in the world can say that, but there sure are a lot that can't, and I'm so grateful I'm able to. I brought this up to my sister and she pointed out how much that says about the way our parents raised us. She's right, of course - so thanks, Mom and Dad.
Anyway, this summer is turning out to be one of the best ever, despite a lot of challenging things. I'm learning more about hard work and self-discipline than ever, and I'm grateful for these experiences. Life is good, despite this headache.
5.18.2013
5.15.2013
how the growth mindset changed my schooling experience
For those of you who stay updated with my blog, you know I read the book Mindset over Christmas break and have been raving about it ever since. I guess it's just not very often that you read a book that truly has an affect on you and changes the way you think and act. I'm not going to pretend this was an overnight transformation, but I will say that this book has stayed with me far longer than most books do. And in the moments where I'm feeling glum, I always return back to the principles that are so beautifully explained in Mindset. Perhaps the only principles that I use more often than the mindset principles are those I've learned from the gospel and have been trying to implement my whole life.
In a post where I vaguely mentioned that having a growth mindset helped in my schooling this semester, a friend asked me to explain more in depth what I meant by that. So here's what was different for me:
1. I started out the semester with an enthusiasm for learning I hadn't had since my first semester of my freshman year. The growth mindset puts the focus on learning and growing, and I was really excited to approach my classes with that outlook, and just try to learn all I possibly could.
2. I pushed myself harder to do everything, especially the first few weeks. In my first semester here at BYU, I did the readings for maybe a week (if that), and then gave up, and ever since then I've done very few readings for my classes. But with the new approach to the semester I realized I had to try my very best in all aspects of the class, and I had to try reading again. And it worked! ...For a few weeks. As soon as midterms and papers started piling up, I will admit the reading was shoved to the side. And honestly, I think that's okay. Because I was still learning, and yes I wasn't perfect my first time. But I was better than I had been before, and that's what matters.
3. I studied to learn, not to pass a test. This is the biggest one for me, hands down. While there was, of course, a fair amount of cramming before tests, I honestly tried to study just to learn and retain information, and not to check it off a list. I used to be someone who would study to retain the information until after I passed a test, then forget it all and never think about it again. I think it's safe to say this is how a vast majority of people approach schooling, to be honest. But what a difference it made when I was reading and paying attention in class just to learn! I fell back in love with learning. A lot of this difference was made because I was in classes I truly enjoyed, and this was much harder to apply to those I wasn't as naturally drawn to. So obviously I still have things to work on. I had the same love of learning when I studied AP US History in high school, and can still to this day spout of way more random history facts than the average person. And now, after this semester, I can spout of a great deal of Human Development, Living Prophets, and Marriage Prep facts. So ask away my friends!
4. I remained more positive throughout the whole semester. By applying the growth mindset to my life, I was able to be confident and happy independent of hard things happening. My attitude was so much more consistent and stable than it had been in years (maybe I was just finally growing out of some teen hormones or something?) because it didn't fluctuate according to every circumstance in my life. My happiness was something independent of anything else, and that was refreshing. Obviously from my last post I've been sort of off in this regard as of late, and have had a harder time maintaining a positive attitude. Maybe it's time I read Mindset again.
And that's that. Those are the fundamental differences, and I feel like I covered the rest in my elaboration. Any more questions though, ask away! I obviously really enjoy talking about this. Or talking at all. I obviously really enjoy talking.
In a post where I vaguely mentioned that having a growth mindset helped in my schooling this semester, a friend asked me to explain more in depth what I meant by that. So here's what was different for me:
1. I started out the semester with an enthusiasm for learning I hadn't had since my first semester of my freshman year. The growth mindset puts the focus on learning and growing, and I was really excited to approach my classes with that outlook, and just try to learn all I possibly could.
2. I pushed myself harder to do everything, especially the first few weeks. In my first semester here at BYU, I did the readings for maybe a week (if that), and then gave up, and ever since then I've done very few readings for my classes. But with the new approach to the semester I realized I had to try my very best in all aspects of the class, and I had to try reading again. And it worked! ...For a few weeks. As soon as midterms and papers started piling up, I will admit the reading was shoved to the side. And honestly, I think that's okay. Because I was still learning, and yes I wasn't perfect my first time. But I was better than I had been before, and that's what matters.
3. I studied to learn, not to pass a test. This is the biggest one for me, hands down. While there was, of course, a fair amount of cramming before tests, I honestly tried to study just to learn and retain information, and not to check it off a list. I used to be someone who would study to retain the information until after I passed a test, then forget it all and never think about it again. I think it's safe to say this is how a vast majority of people approach schooling, to be honest. But what a difference it made when I was reading and paying attention in class just to learn! I fell back in love with learning. A lot of this difference was made because I was in classes I truly enjoyed, and this was much harder to apply to those I wasn't as naturally drawn to. So obviously I still have things to work on. I had the same love of learning when I studied AP US History in high school, and can still to this day spout of way more random history facts than the average person. And now, after this semester, I can spout of a great deal of Human Development, Living Prophets, and Marriage Prep facts. So ask away my friends!
4. I remained more positive throughout the whole semester. By applying the growth mindset to my life, I was able to be confident and happy independent of hard things happening. My attitude was so much more consistent and stable than it had been in years (maybe I was just finally growing out of some teen hormones or something?) because it didn't fluctuate according to every circumstance in my life. My happiness was something independent of anything else, and that was refreshing. Obviously from my last post I've been sort of off in this regard as of late, and have had a harder time maintaining a positive attitude. Maybe it's time I read Mindset again.
And that's that. Those are the fundamental differences, and I feel like I covered the rest in my elaboration. Any more questions though, ask away! I obviously really enjoy talking about this. Or talking at all. I obviously really enjoy talking.
5.14.2013
thoughts on wanderlust and discouragement and sadness and feeling claustrophobic
Wanderlust. n. A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.
I've got it bad. I've got it so so bad, you guys. I touched on this subject before when I moaned about staying in Provo while everyone else I know travels the world it seems, but seriously I am feeling so claustrophobic. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and it feels absolutely pointless. Which is interesting, because I thought that would really fade when I decided on my major, but it seems to have increased, if anything.
Everywhere I look I see people doing things. And while I might be doing things, I don't really feel like that doing is deserving of italics of any sort. If I could sum up my month thus far in one word, it would be discouragement. Discouragement with the job search, discouragement with myself, discouragement with my attempt to be healthy again, discouragement as I watch other people doing things I wish I could do, discouragement as I try to follow promptings and find myself reaching situations that seem to be nothing more than dead ends.
I said earlier that I feel claustrophobic. That's so true, you know. I just feel like I want to get out, like I have this wanderlust that can't be satisfied right now and it's killing me. I love Provo, and I'm not lying when I say that. I love the people here and I love my ward and I love my campus and I love my roommates and I love living in the shadow of Y mountain. But somehow all of this isn't enough to make me content right now and that's just frustrating. I want to be out doing something different and new. And oh my gosh I think I'm craving change. Who would have ever thought I'd say that? But it's true, I need a change. A change of pace, scenery, people, I don't care -- I just want it to be different than what it is now.
It's really easy to be sad sometimes. And I don't ever want to find myself being sad more often that being happy. But the past couple weeks as things have finally slowed down in my life it's like being hit all over again with some certain sadness(es) that I thought I'd recovered from. I guess I just never thought banana bread and star gazing could make me so melancholy.
And boy oh boy I'm sorry to put such a depressing post on my blog. But it needed to be said and so this is where I'm going to do it. Because I can't be the friend that calls another to do nothing more than whine -- I've been on the other line and it's the pits. It's hard feeling this way and also not wanting to be selfish and just talk about it all the time. Because I know what it's like to have someone just talk about themselves and hardly pay you any heed. So I guess that's why I'm turning to this blog.
I shouldn't feel the need to excuse myself from writing honestly, I know. But I also don't want any of you to worry. I'm fine, just getting it out of my system. Tomorrow will be kinder.
I've got it bad. I've got it so so bad, you guys. I touched on this subject before when I moaned about staying in Provo while everyone else I know travels the world it seems, but seriously I am feeling so claustrophobic. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and it feels absolutely pointless. Which is interesting, because I thought that would really fade when I decided on my major, but it seems to have increased, if anything.
Everywhere I look I see people doing things. And while I might be doing things, I don't really feel like that doing is deserving of italics of any sort. If I could sum up my month thus far in one word, it would be discouragement. Discouragement with the job search, discouragement with myself, discouragement with my attempt to be healthy again, discouragement as I watch other people doing things I wish I could do, discouragement as I try to follow promptings and find myself reaching situations that seem to be nothing more than dead ends.
I said earlier that I feel claustrophobic. That's so true, you know. I just feel like I want to get out, like I have this wanderlust that can't be satisfied right now and it's killing me. I love Provo, and I'm not lying when I say that. I love the people here and I love my ward and I love my campus and I love my roommates and I love living in the shadow of Y mountain. But somehow all of this isn't enough to make me content right now and that's just frustrating. I want to be out doing something different and new. And oh my gosh I think I'm craving change. Who would have ever thought I'd say that? But it's true, I need a change. A change of pace, scenery, people, I don't care -- I just want it to be different than what it is now.
It's really easy to be sad sometimes. And I don't ever want to find myself being sad more often that being happy. But the past couple weeks as things have finally slowed down in my life it's like being hit all over again with some certain sadness(es) that I thought I'd recovered from. I guess I just never thought banana bread and star gazing could make me so melancholy.
And boy oh boy I'm sorry to put such a depressing post on my blog. But it needed to be said and so this is where I'm going to do it. Because I can't be the friend that calls another to do nothing more than whine -- I've been on the other line and it's the pits. It's hard feeling this way and also not wanting to be selfish and just talk about it all the time. Because I know what it's like to have someone just talk about themselves and hardly pay you any heed. So I guess that's why I'm turning to this blog.
I shouldn't feel the need to excuse myself from writing honestly, I know. But I also don't want any of you to worry. I'm fine, just getting it out of my system. Tomorrow will be kinder.
5.05.2013
content in a blissfully happy sort of way
Tonight I went up to Alpine for dinner with the family at my Aunt and Uncle's house (where my family is currently residing while in the process of moving). It was an absolutely delicious meal and we decided to eat it out on the back patio, and my oh my was it perfect. There were quite a few moments throughout the night when I just had to sit back and think "This is incredible. This is real and this is love and this is happiness." Because it was.
There was the moment when we were all dying of laughter as Garrett described running into a glass door in an office building. Or when Natalie tried to convince us she could read minds. Or when everyone sort of lulled about afterward and I leaned against the railing and looked out over that beautiful hometown of mine and felt so much gratitude for growing up in such a wonderful place. Or when we all went on an evening walk to the new house and Katrina and I cuddled and giggled in bed like we used to back when we were 10. Or when we all sang a hymn and said a prayer together.
Or when we were leaving and in saying goodbye I gave everyone at least one hug and there were kisses from Mom and Dad telling me he was proud of me and I almost got teary-eyed because there was so much love in that room and there is so much love in my life and how lucky am I?
I live such a blessed life. It's moments like these that make me realize that, and moments like these that encourage me to keep on through the drudgery of finding a job and everything that comes with daily life.
These are the moments that make life so incredibly worth it, you know?
There was the moment when we were all dying of laughter as Garrett described running into a glass door in an office building. Or when Natalie tried to convince us she could read minds. Or when everyone sort of lulled about afterward and I leaned against the railing and looked out over that beautiful hometown of mine and felt so much gratitude for growing up in such a wonderful place. Or when we all went on an evening walk to the new house and Katrina and I cuddled and giggled in bed like we used to back when we were 10. Or when we all sang a hymn and said a prayer together.
Or when we were leaving and in saying goodbye I gave everyone at least one hug and there were kisses from Mom and Dad telling me he was proud of me and I almost got teary-eyed because there was so much love in that room and there is so much love in my life and how lucky am I?
I live such a blessed life. It's moments like these that make me realize that, and moments like these that encourage me to keep on through the drudgery of finding a job and everything that comes with daily life.
These are the moments that make life so incredibly worth it, you know?
4.05.2013
selfish humans
I have this problem where I seem to think I'm the center of the universe. And not in the "Oh my gosh everyone serve me" sort of way that reminds you of Veruca Salt when she's all "I want the world" and singing with the chocolate egg-laying geese, but in a "everyone actually cares what I think and do and it's really important to them" sort of way.
To be honest I think we all sort of struggle with that, just as our human default. We always think of pride as the top looking down, but more often than not I think people struggle with the bottom looking up.
We all do this. We spend 5 minutes trying to cover up that one stubborn pimple like we actually think people are really going to notice. And yeah, I'm sure people occasionally do, but really the problem is that we believe people look at us in the same way we look at ourselves - overly critical, aware of every blemish and flaw. I mean, next time you're talking to a friend take a look at their face and you might be surprised to see that they have pimples too. We just never notice them because we're too focused on ourselves.
As for this whole bottom looking up thing, I think we classify others as being at the top and then we think they're all haughty and too good for us just because maybe they don't worship our every witty comment. We just get all confused and mixed up in our perceptions of others. I was especially good at this in high school when I would see someone who I had raised up on some absurd pedestal and then they didn't really talk to me and I automatically believed they were prideful themselves. And that was prideful on my part.
I've come to believe thinking others hate you is one of the most selfish things ever. I mean, to assume that they even focus on you enough to think "yeah I really hate that girl and that's why I glare at her every day and don't speak to her even though she's never done anything to upset me" is laughable. Sure, there are circumstances where there's actual ill feelings, but more often than not they don't really care about you. Think about it - how many people do you actually, really, truly hate? Probably very few, if any at all (and hate, that's just a really dumb thing I won't even get into right now but just don't do it). You don't really notice that many people, do you? Because you're so concerned with other people noticing you? It's like stake dances when everyone is looking around all self-conscious because there's gotta be someone staring at you and thinking how ridiculous you look but really no one is because they're all busy looking around all self-conscious because there's gotta be someone staring at them thinking how ridiculous they look. It's this vicious cycle, and the people that have the best times at dances realize no one is actually looking at them and they just dance. And if someone is looking at you and judging, who cares? It's not your problem because you're enjoying yourself, aren't you?
There have been quite a few times in my life when people have told me they used to think I hated them or was mean because guess what? My default face looks angry. So a casual walk through the hall for me that meant nothing more than I was thinking about nothing or thinking hard about something and whatever I was thinking it wasn't what my face looked like meant "oh my gosh Anna never talks to me and look she just glared at me as she walked past" for someone else. I mean, how many times had I been in the latter situation myself? I totally got it. But I guess I just never realized others might be thinking the same things about me that I thought of others. I never realized because I was too busy focusing on my own "sad" situation.
I blame part of this selfishness on our world today (maybe all of it). I mean, we have all these social networking sites that encourage us to focus on ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I love these sites. I'm the first to admit I really enjoy facebook and twitter and instagram and all that stuff. I mean, hi, I have a blog. A blog all about me. But these sites are ones that are all, "What are you thinking about?" "What are you doing?" "What are you eating, do you want to post a picture about it? Because everyone genuinely cares what you ate for lunch." Spoiler! They don't.
Years ago we didn't have these and I'd say people were a lot better at not focusing on themselves. But now it's almost expected that you focus on yourself. The world encourages us to go out and discover who we really are and find our identity and be confident with yourself. And while all those things are important, I think people have confused confidence and healthy self-esteem with selfishness and pride. Human seem to be addicted to masochistic behavior. Here's a thought - maybe if we stopped being so selfish and wallowing in our own self pity and went out and helped someone else, we'd be better off in our identity. The more of yourself you spread around, the more there is to find.
All this was brought on because I realized I have a problem where I second guess everything I do because I worry what people will think of me. And while it's important to be socially acceptable, people don't really care what I do. They're too busy caring about themselves.
To be honest I think we all sort of struggle with that, just as our human default. We always think of pride as the top looking down, but more often than not I think people struggle with the bottom looking up.
We all do this. We spend 5 minutes trying to cover up that one stubborn pimple like we actually think people are really going to notice. And yeah, I'm sure people occasionally do, but really the problem is that we believe people look at us in the same way we look at ourselves - overly critical, aware of every blemish and flaw. I mean, next time you're talking to a friend take a look at their face and you might be surprised to see that they have pimples too. We just never notice them because we're too focused on ourselves.
As for this whole bottom looking up thing, I think we classify others as being at the top and then we think they're all haughty and too good for us just because maybe they don't worship our every witty comment. We just get all confused and mixed up in our perceptions of others. I was especially good at this in high school when I would see someone who I had raised up on some absurd pedestal and then they didn't really talk to me and I automatically believed they were prideful themselves. And that was prideful on my part.
I've come to believe thinking others hate you is one of the most selfish things ever. I mean, to assume that they even focus on you enough to think "yeah I really hate that girl and that's why I glare at her every day and don't speak to her even though she's never done anything to upset me" is laughable. Sure, there are circumstances where there's actual ill feelings, but more often than not they don't really care about you. Think about it - how many people do you actually, really, truly hate? Probably very few, if any at all (and hate, that's just a really dumb thing I won't even get into right now but just don't do it). You don't really notice that many people, do you? Because you're so concerned with other people noticing you? It's like stake dances when everyone is looking around all self-conscious because there's gotta be someone staring at you and thinking how ridiculous you look but really no one is because they're all busy looking around all self-conscious because there's gotta be someone staring at them thinking how ridiculous they look. It's this vicious cycle, and the people that have the best times at dances realize no one is actually looking at them and they just dance. And if someone is looking at you and judging, who cares? It's not your problem because you're enjoying yourself, aren't you?
There have been quite a few times in my life when people have told me they used to think I hated them or was mean because guess what? My default face looks angry. So a casual walk through the hall for me that meant nothing more than I was thinking about nothing or thinking hard about something and whatever I was thinking it wasn't what my face looked like meant "oh my gosh Anna never talks to me and look she just glared at me as she walked past" for someone else. I mean, how many times had I been in the latter situation myself? I totally got it. But I guess I just never realized others might be thinking the same things about me that I thought of others. I never realized because I was too busy focusing on my own "sad" situation.
I blame part of this selfishness on our world today (maybe all of it). I mean, we have all these social networking sites that encourage us to focus on ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I love these sites. I'm the first to admit I really enjoy facebook and twitter and instagram and all that stuff. I mean, hi, I have a blog. A blog all about me. But these sites are ones that are all, "What are you thinking about?" "What are you doing?" "What are you eating, do you want to post a picture about it? Because everyone genuinely cares what you ate for lunch." Spoiler! They don't.
Years ago we didn't have these and I'd say people were a lot better at not focusing on themselves. But now it's almost expected that you focus on yourself. The world encourages us to go out and discover who we really are and find our identity and be confident with yourself. And while all those things are important, I think people have confused confidence and healthy self-esteem with selfishness and pride. Human seem to be addicted to masochistic behavior. Here's a thought - maybe if we stopped being so selfish and wallowing in our own self pity and went out and helped someone else, we'd be better off in our identity. The more of yourself you spread around, the more there is to find.
All this was brought on because I realized I have a problem where I second guess everything I do because I worry what people will think of me. And while it's important to be socially acceptable, people don't really care what I do. They're too busy caring about themselves.
1.23.2013
solitude.
Monday night after my apartment through a rockin 4th Annual Integration Celebration in honor of MLK day, I attended a special FHE with my friend Alex. And not just any FHE, either, where you play a few rounds of apples to apples and someone makes brownies. As great and necessary as those are, this was more just a spiritual discussion and it was wonderful (as a side note, it made me pretty excited for some day when my husband and I can lead our family in spiritual family home evenings).
The above video was played and throughout the following discussion about listening to the spirit, I was pondering all the many distractions in my life.
There's something incredibly profound to be said about silence. About having time to think, to ponder. In our world today, there is rarely a minute when we have that silence and let our thoughts wander, listen, and communicate with God. I wake up, I turn on spotify and listen to a playlist while I get ready for the day. During breakfast, I do my first round of the day (check facebook, check blogger, check pinterest). I go to school, texting the whole way. I sit in class, and when it doesn't start right away I kill some time scrolling through my twitter and instagram newsfeeds. Once I finish that I'll usually play sudoku or some other app. Class starts (I do actually pay attention at this point). Class ends, I check my phone. New texts? New emails? More tweets?
And so it continues constantly.
Now I'm not saying everyone out there has it as bad as I do. But let's just say if we call this technology addiction a sickness, I'm going to come out and admit I have full-blown cancer. Okay, maybe not as bad as some people, but there's definitely some problems with the way I'm running my life, with my reliance on social media. I can justify it, of course. It's my form of record keeping, it's how I keep in contact with people I love, it's a form of self-expression. These are all completely valid, but I guess Monday night I realized that there a lot of other things that are more vital in my life.
Forget social networking, how is my spiritual networking? In that plugged-in day I just told you about, where was the spiritual side? Scripture study in the evenings, religion classes, they were all there, just not as prominent as so many other distractions I'd allowed into my life.
And so for that reason Monday night I was inspired to leave it behind indefinitely.
Not all of it. Because blog, I love you. I enjoy having a way to express myself through writing, and I want people to stay updated on my life (if they want to), and this is a pretty crucial part of record keeping. You can say I'm making excuses, but there it is and those are my decisions. Pinterest gets to stay too, but really only for recipes. I'm no longer just going to mindlessly scroll through, pinning projects that will never happen and claiming I'm becoming more "creative". I will, however, make some killer meals with that site.
Everything else though, it's gone. Twitter, facebook, instagram, all of it (by "gone" I mean my friend has all the passwords and their apps are deleted from my phone) It feels liberating, you know? Not to be so attached. I'll admit I've suffered some withdrawals but I know it'll get better. I've taken some media fasts before just for a week or so, and they were always a good idea. Just think of how much better this will be.
So with that story, I leave you with a challenge:
Find the things in your life that are serving more as a distraction than anything else. Figure out what they are, and do something about it. I'm not saying you need to be as drastic as me and get rid of them all (unless you feel that's needed), but find some other way to lessen them. One idea I love is only spending as much time on facebook as you spend reading the scriptures each day. That way, if you want to justify more time, you're going to have to commit more time in the other direction, too. Another idea would be to try to replace them with something better. For example, every time I have the urge to get on facebook to communicate in one way or another, I'm going to put my computer away and go find someone to have a face-to-face conversation with. Just watch, I'm going to be such a good conversationalist in a few weeks time.
Whatever it is you feel would be good for your spiritual wellness, do it. I'm not just talking spiritual as in religion, I'm talking what will make your spirit feel better? What will let your soul breathe a little and stop feeling like it's being suffocated? Because it is, you know. All of us are.
Let's do this!
1.13.2013
pause and think
Today someone asked me what my perfect day would consist of. If money wasn't an object and time and space were my only constraints, how would I fill my day?
My original answer begin waking up in the Netherlands for a walk among the tulips and a delicious breakfast of eggs benedict. Then, a private jet to Rome where I ate some to-die-for margherita pizza, and toured some old buildings. The evening was spent in Paris helping prepare and eat a meal with a world-renowned chef, followed by some macaroons, a walk down the Champs Elysees and the Eiffel tower at night. All of it done with my husband.
Sounds great, right? Good food, good culture, and good company.
The more I think about it, though, the more I realize there are several different scenarios that would make perfect days in my book. One would just be spending the day in a cabin in the woods with my husband and maybe our children. We could read books, play board games, watch a movie, snuggle, make yummy food, and watch snow fall/rain drizzle without ever leaving. Another might involve waking up in a tent, because that is the absolute best way to wake up.
Anyway, that question made me think. In fact, all his questions do. And I like that. It's nice to find friends that constantly make you think. The ones who inspire you to reflect on yourself, your identity, what identity even is, and what matters to you.
My original answer begin waking up in the Netherlands for a walk among the tulips and a delicious breakfast of eggs benedict. Then, a private jet to Rome where I ate some to-die-for margherita pizza, and toured some old buildings. The evening was spent in Paris helping prepare and eat a meal with a world-renowned chef, followed by some macaroons, a walk down the Champs Elysees and the Eiffel tower at night. All of it done with my husband.
Sounds great, right? Good food, good culture, and good company.
The more I think about it, though, the more I realize there are several different scenarios that would make perfect days in my book. One would just be spending the day in a cabin in the woods with my husband and maybe our children. We could read books, play board games, watch a movie, snuggle, make yummy food, and watch snow fall/rain drizzle without ever leaving. Another might involve waking up in a tent, because that is the absolute best way to wake up.
Anyway, that question made me think. In fact, all his questions do. And I like that. It's nice to find friends that constantly make you think. The ones who inspire you to reflect on yourself, your identity, what identity even is, and what matters to you.
1.06.2013
mindset.
Over the break, amidst countless other good intentions that never came true, I read a book. And what a book it was. Thank you, Dad, for bribing me to read this, because it's changed so much of my outlook on life.
There are countless success books out there that try to teach you how to life a more fulfilled life. And while many of them are extremely helpful, I'm sure, I would recommend this one. While we've all been given advice or found those inspiring quotes while wasting time on pinterest about being yourself and going for your dreams and enjoying the moment, this book is able to really dissect all those feelings and figure out why some people are more fulfilled than others. And the key? Your mindset.
There's two kinds of mindset, and while I know I'll probably be butchering my quick summaries, barely touching on the depth of each one, I'll tell you what they are anyway: The fixed mindset, and the growth mindset.
In the fixed mindset, talent is everything. Success is proven by scores, by getting to the top, by high praise. She's an artist? Oh, well she has this natural artistic eye, and let's be real, I'm just not like that. He's the star of the basketball team? Of course, I mean look at his body and the natural abilities he's been given.
In the growth mindset, everything is about learning. Effort and hard work, that's what determines success. She graduated valedictorian? She got there because of hard work, not because she's a "genius". My coach corrects my technique? It doesn't hurt me, because growing is what I enjoy.
I realized as I read this book that I've been living the fixed mindset in so many aspects of my life. Folk dance in particular stood out to me. Stories in the book seemed to jump out almost as if they had been recorded from my very own life. I remembered a conversation with a friend a few months earlier. He had the growth mindset, I had the fixed.
Me: I love doing folk dance, but I really just enjoy it for the fun of it.
Friend: Well, Anna, do you want to get on one of the higher teams? Actually, that's a dumb question, of course you do. You're enrolled in 3 dance classes this semester for it.
Me: Well, yeah, I guess. I'd like that, but I know it's probably not going to happen, and that's okay.
Friend: Well how will you ever know if you don't try? If you don't give your all every time you dance? Wouldn't it be awful to go your whole folk dance experience and not to have tried your very best?
Me: But that's just it. I'm not a natural dancer. What if I were to try my very best, but fail? Wouldn't that be worse?
Friend: But Anna, you wouldn't have failed. You would have learned and grown so much. Remember how you auditioned for Divine Comedy but didn't make it? Do you consider that a failure?
Me: No, I learned and grew so much through the experience.
Friend: Exactly.
Me: But it's dancing, and I've never been a dancer.
Crazy, huh? Maybe not to you, but if you read the book, you'll realize how much of a fixed mindset I had about the matter. And it isn't that I necessarily have that mindset about everything, because, as seen in the conversation, I was able to enjoy the growth of the DC experience. Yet I was probably able to have that attitude because I already have some natural talent in comedy and acting, and because I made it to callbacks. Had I not made it to callbacks, I would have considered myself a failure. "I wasn't funny" I would have said, "Obviously this isn't my thing." I needed that official validation of making it to callbacks to consider my audition a success.
And here's another thing the book points out that really struck me - when did the phrase "I failed" become "I'm a failure"? And how often do we hear people say that? Since when has failing at one thing defined our entire identity?
So this semester I'm going to make a huge effort to change to the growth mindset. I'm going to study hard because I want to learn, not because I want to get a good test score. And when I don't get a good test score, instead of blaming the test, or just accepting that I'll never do well in that subject because "It's completely a left-brained subject and I'm a completely right-brained person, no big deal", I'm going to think about how I could have done better. What study techniques obviously didn't work? What did?
I'm going to give it my all in folk dance, 100% of the time. Not because I have to make it to the top per se, but because that's how I'm going to progress. And it's all about the progression. Even looking back to beginning of freshman year when I first auditioned, I've grown so much. Guys, I can clog now. Two years ago I never would have attempted clogging, but instead laughed and brushed it off with "I'm not a dancer. I can dance, sure, but I'm not a dancer. My mom and Katrina? They're natural dancers." But who cares? Other people in the program have been dancing for years, and I didn't start dancing until a year and a half ago. Yet here I am, holding my own. And I've come so far. How rewarding.
There are countless success books out there that try to teach you how to life a more fulfilled life. And while many of them are extremely helpful, I'm sure, I would recommend this one. While we've all been given advice or found those inspiring quotes while wasting time on pinterest about being yourself and going for your dreams and enjoying the moment, this book is able to really dissect all those feelings and figure out why some people are more fulfilled than others. And the key? Your mindset.
There's two kinds of mindset, and while I know I'll probably be butchering my quick summaries, barely touching on the depth of each one, I'll tell you what they are anyway: The fixed mindset, and the growth mindset.
In the fixed mindset, talent is everything. Success is proven by scores, by getting to the top, by high praise. She's an artist? Oh, well she has this natural artistic eye, and let's be real, I'm just not like that. He's the star of the basketball team? Of course, I mean look at his body and the natural abilities he's been given.
In the growth mindset, everything is about learning. Effort and hard work, that's what determines success. She graduated valedictorian? She got there because of hard work, not because she's a "genius". My coach corrects my technique? It doesn't hurt me, because growing is what I enjoy.
I realized as I read this book that I've been living the fixed mindset in so many aspects of my life. Folk dance in particular stood out to me. Stories in the book seemed to jump out almost as if they had been recorded from my very own life. I remembered a conversation with a friend a few months earlier. He had the growth mindset, I had the fixed.
Me: I love doing folk dance, but I really just enjoy it for the fun of it.
Friend: Well, Anna, do you want to get on one of the higher teams? Actually, that's a dumb question, of course you do. You're enrolled in 3 dance classes this semester for it.
Me: Well, yeah, I guess. I'd like that, but I know it's probably not going to happen, and that's okay.
Friend: Well how will you ever know if you don't try? If you don't give your all every time you dance? Wouldn't it be awful to go your whole folk dance experience and not to have tried your very best?
Me: But that's just it. I'm not a natural dancer. What if I were to try my very best, but fail? Wouldn't that be worse?
Friend: But Anna, you wouldn't have failed. You would have learned and grown so much. Remember how you auditioned for Divine Comedy but didn't make it? Do you consider that a failure?
Me: No, I learned and grew so much through the experience.
Friend: Exactly.
Me: But it's dancing, and I've never been a dancer.
Crazy, huh? Maybe not to you, but if you read the book, you'll realize how much of a fixed mindset I had about the matter. And it isn't that I necessarily have that mindset about everything, because, as seen in the conversation, I was able to enjoy the growth of the DC experience. Yet I was probably able to have that attitude because I already have some natural talent in comedy and acting, and because I made it to callbacks. Had I not made it to callbacks, I would have considered myself a failure. "I wasn't funny" I would have said, "Obviously this isn't my thing." I needed that official validation of making it to callbacks to consider my audition a success.
And here's another thing the book points out that really struck me - when did the phrase "I failed" become "I'm a failure"? And how often do we hear people say that? Since when has failing at one thing defined our entire identity?
So this semester I'm going to make a huge effort to change to the growth mindset. I'm going to study hard because I want to learn, not because I want to get a good test score. And when I don't get a good test score, instead of blaming the test, or just accepting that I'll never do well in that subject because "It's completely a left-brained subject and I'm a completely right-brained person, no big deal", I'm going to think about how I could have done better. What study techniques obviously didn't work? What did?
I'm going to give it my all in folk dance, 100% of the time. Not because I have to make it to the top per se, but because that's how I'm going to progress. And it's all about the progression. Even looking back to beginning of freshman year when I first auditioned, I've grown so much. Guys, I can clog now. Two years ago I never would have attempted clogging, but instead laughed and brushed it off with "I'm not a dancer. I can dance, sure, but I'm not a dancer. My mom and Katrina? They're natural dancers." But who cares? Other people in the program have been dancing for years, and I didn't start dancing until a year and a half ago. Yet here I am, holding my own. And I've come so far. How rewarding.
Seriously, people. Please go read this book, change your mindset, and embark on this journey with me!
12.08.2012
trying harder every day.
It's 3 in the morning and I'm writing a blog post, because yes, it's that time of the month again - cleaning checks! Luckily this time I signed up for a much easier job, and poor Sarah continues to slave away in the kitchen, having a similar experience to the one I had a month ago.
But I didn't open this post with the intent of talking about cleaning checks, as thrilling as I know that is for you all to read. I was actually just thinking about my husband.
What caused me to think about this mystery man and write a post about him? I don't know. I suppose it could be a blog post I just read that was written by a loving husband about how much he loves his sweet wife. Or perhaps it was the fact that my roommate and I just watched Sleepless in Seattle. It definitely could have something to do with the past few weeks/months of my life, and the things I've learned.
Whatever it was, tonight my thoughts have turned to my husband, and more importantly, to me as a wife. I say more importantly not because I'm more important, but because that's the part I should be focusing on right now - being the best version of myself.
And most of the time I feel like I fall terribly, miserably short.
Don't we all? I don't say this to get pity from any of you, or to try and belittle myself. To be honest, overall I'm happy with who I am and where I am at this time in life. And that's awesome, but to be satisfied with something to the extent you no longer progress? That can be dangerous.
I know there are so many things in my life I could work on. I should be less selfish, because I expect my future husband to be. I should be a better listener, because I hope my husband is. I should maintain a more positive attitude in daily conundrums because I sure hope my husband will.
The point is, we can always do better. And I don't know about you, but I want to be crazy in love with my husband. The can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of love. I want it to be the million tiny little things that, when you add them all up, mean we're supposed to be together.
And I could write a whole other blog post about how love isn't like the movies (in fact, I think I have), so I know this may sound contradictory. But I truly just hope I'm going to be madly in love with my husband.
Possibly this isn't all fitting together, going from husband talk to self improvement to husband talk again, but it fits in my head. Because I want to be the best version of myself for my husband, wherever he is. I want him to be crazy in love with me too, for all the right reasons.
It's hard when you feel like you're getting close to meeting that special someone, and then you realize that maybe you aren't. That maybe Heavenly Father has other plans for you right now. That maybe you're not quite where you need to be, progression wise, to meet that man. But what awesome motivation, to know that there is a man like that out there - someone who isn't perfect, but is going to be perfect for you.
That's a thought that can keep me going on this path of self improvement, you know? That's something that I'm going to hold on to and treasure and think about.
Because I want to be the kind of person I'm hoping to marry someday.
But I didn't open this post with the intent of talking about cleaning checks, as thrilling as I know that is for you all to read. I was actually just thinking about my husband.
What caused me to think about this mystery man and write a post about him? I don't know. I suppose it could be a blog post I just read that was written by a loving husband about how much he loves his sweet wife. Or perhaps it was the fact that my roommate and I just watched Sleepless in Seattle. It definitely could have something to do with the past few weeks/months of my life, and the things I've learned.
Whatever it was, tonight my thoughts have turned to my husband, and more importantly, to me as a wife. I say more importantly not because I'm more important, but because that's the part I should be focusing on right now - being the best version of myself.
And most of the time I feel like I fall terribly, miserably short.
Don't we all? I don't say this to get pity from any of you, or to try and belittle myself. To be honest, overall I'm happy with who I am and where I am at this time in life. And that's awesome, but to be satisfied with something to the extent you no longer progress? That can be dangerous.
I know there are so many things in my life I could work on. I should be less selfish, because I expect my future husband to be. I should be a better listener, because I hope my husband is. I should maintain a more positive attitude in daily conundrums because I sure hope my husband will.
The point is, we can always do better. And I don't know about you, but I want to be crazy in love with my husband. The can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of love. I want it to be the million tiny little things that, when you add them all up, mean we're supposed to be together.
And I could write a whole other blog post about how love isn't like the movies (in fact, I think I have), so I know this may sound contradictory. But I truly just hope I'm going to be madly in love with my husband.
Possibly this isn't all fitting together, going from husband talk to self improvement to husband talk again, but it fits in my head. Because I want to be the best version of myself for my husband, wherever he is. I want him to be crazy in love with me too, for all the right reasons.
It's hard when you feel like you're getting close to meeting that special someone, and then you realize that maybe you aren't. That maybe Heavenly Father has other plans for you right now. That maybe you're not quite where you need to be, progression wise, to meet that man. But what awesome motivation, to know that there is a man like that out there - someone who isn't perfect, but is going to be perfect for you.
That's a thought that can keep me going on this path of self improvement, you know? That's something that I'm going to hold on to and treasure and think about.
Because I want to be the kind of person I'm hoping to marry someday.
11.29.2012
exhausted.
Sometimes, exhaustion just comes all at once, you know?
And yes, the physical exhaustion (because let's be honest that hit tonight in rehearsal around 11:00), but also the emotional exhaustion.
And I'm just so tired of having to deal with so many emotions all in one day. One afternoon, really. Because I can so quickly go from happy to tired to nervous to sad to hurt to content to excited and then all I want to do is crawl in bed and never get out.
And I'm sorry this is so depressing, because I have no right to be saying any of this. I have such a spectacular life, and I am so extremely blessed. You lucky blog readers, you (if any of you are actually out there, which I am beginning to doubt [besides you, mom and trine]). You often are the venue through which I rant and come to catharsis.
Though I will say that cleaning the kitchen is therapy for me like nothing else is. And I told that to a guy in my foods lab today and he just paused and said, "I'll never understand girls." But it makes perfect sense to me.
And you know what the most exhausting part is (sorry, sharp subject transition here)? Half the time I don't even know what my own feelings are. And people ask me what I'm feeling and all I can say is, "I don't know." And then they're like, "No, really, tell." And I'm like, "No but really I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. Can I go to bed?" Except I usually keep the last sentence to myself.
The funny thing is that right now (literally at this very moment), I have a great opportunity to go to bed. But I'm writing a blog post instead.
So goodnight. I'm done with that.
And yes, the physical exhaustion (because let's be honest that hit tonight in rehearsal around 11:00), but also the emotional exhaustion.
And I'm just so tired of having to deal with so many emotions all in one day. One afternoon, really. Because I can so quickly go from happy to tired to nervous to sad to hurt to content to excited and then all I want to do is crawl in bed and never get out.
And I'm sorry this is so depressing, because I have no right to be saying any of this. I have such a spectacular life, and I am so extremely blessed. You lucky blog readers, you (if any of you are actually out there, which I am beginning to doubt [besides you, mom and trine]). You often are the venue through which I rant and come to catharsis.
Though I will say that cleaning the kitchen is therapy for me like nothing else is. And I told that to a guy in my foods lab today and he just paused and said, "I'll never understand girls." But it makes perfect sense to me.
And you know what the most exhausting part is (sorry, sharp subject transition here)? Half the time I don't even know what my own feelings are. And people ask me what I'm feeling and all I can say is, "I don't know." And then they're like, "No, really, tell." And I'm like, "No but really I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. Can I go to bed?" Except I usually keep the last sentence to myself.
The funny thing is that right now (literally at this very moment), I have a great opportunity to go to bed. But I'm writing a blog post instead.
So goodnight. I'm done with that.
11.01.2012
intellect decline
Sometimes, I realize that since I've gotten to college, I've become dumber.
I mean, I'd still consider myself a smart, educated person, overall.
But then I go to write a paper and I write a piece-of-crap kind of paper because I know (for the right classes) I'll still get an A. And back when I was writing papers for Birrell and Woolsey, I knew that would never fly. And I wanted to impress them with my papers, so I would work hard to write good ones.
Also, perhaps I'm just a better spontaneous writer. As in, I can write killer FRQs and DBQs, but when it comes to writing a long paper that I've been assigned for weeks, I hate it. Because I don't like editing and reviewing and changing things. I'll just keep it at that first draft.
And this is seriously the most boring blog post ever, I don't know why I thought you'd be interested in this. But, it's just something I've observed.
So thank you, Birrell and Woolsey, for teaching me how to write. But it seems without you, I'm awful.
I just really need to get out of GE classes.
I mean, I'd still consider myself a smart, educated person, overall.
But then I go to write a paper and I write a piece-of-crap kind of paper because I know (for the right classes) I'll still get an A. And back when I was writing papers for Birrell and Woolsey, I knew that would never fly. And I wanted to impress them with my papers, so I would work hard to write good ones.
Also, perhaps I'm just a better spontaneous writer. As in, I can write killer FRQs and DBQs, but when it comes to writing a long paper that I've been assigned for weeks, I hate it. Because I don't like editing and reviewing and changing things. I'll just keep it at that first draft.
And this is seriously the most boring blog post ever, I don't know why I thought you'd be interested in this. But, it's just something I've observed.
So thank you, Birrell and Woolsey, for teaching me how to write. But it seems without you, I'm awful.
I just really need to get out of GE classes.
10.09.2012
epiphany
You know those moments when something just smacks you real hard in the face?
And suddenly, as you sit there writing a BS paper at 1 in the morning, you realize that you're doing it all wrong.
You realize you are the world's biggest slacker, the world's best procrastinator. You realize you can get by the skin of your teeth in all things, and that's what you've been doing your entire college experience.
And you realize you don't even feel a thing when you accidentally forget to turn in an assignment online, or when you score a 14 out of 20 on yet another astronomy quiz. And school and homework is just this mind-numbing process you go through every day, but only just barely. Because you don't ever push yourself.
And you realize you spend way too much time online and stalking pictures of people you don't even care about, and not enough time figuring out what you actually care about and pursuing that. And you realize that you have so much potential and wasting your life like this is not how it's supposed to be.
And you realize that maybe if you stopped eating so unhealthy again and started drinking your water and eating your fruits and vegetables and working out you'd feel even better than you do now.
And you realize that getting to bed this late can no longer be an option. And your afternoons can't be spent watching Food Network, but they need to be spent studying for that test you have coming up because heaven knows you shouldn't be cramming like you always do.
And you realize you can't wait until you're dying to figure out how to live.
Because this Earth is beautiful. And it's here for your benefit. And the changing leaves are meant to be enjoyed. But not just on your hurried walk to school when you occasionally look up and think, "Wow," but once your homework is finished and you can go for a leisurely walk in a coat and a scarf and just enjoy the season.
And this university is grand and these people are lovely and the time is now and you've got to apply yourself.
Now.
Yeah, those are fun.
And suddenly, as you sit there writing a BS paper at 1 in the morning, you realize that you're doing it all wrong.
You realize you are the world's biggest slacker, the world's best procrastinator. You realize you can get by the skin of your teeth in all things, and that's what you've been doing your entire college experience.
And you realize you don't even feel a thing when you accidentally forget to turn in an assignment online, or when you score a 14 out of 20 on yet another astronomy quiz. And school and homework is just this mind-numbing process you go through every day, but only just barely. Because you don't ever push yourself.
And you realize you spend way too much time online and stalking pictures of people you don't even care about, and not enough time figuring out what you actually care about and pursuing that. And you realize that you have so much potential and wasting your life like this is not how it's supposed to be.
And you realize that maybe if you stopped eating so unhealthy again and started drinking your water and eating your fruits and vegetables and working out you'd feel even better than you do now.
And you realize that getting to bed this late can no longer be an option. And your afternoons can't be spent watching Food Network, but they need to be spent studying for that test you have coming up because heaven knows you shouldn't be cramming like you always do.
And you realize you can't wait until you're dying to figure out how to live.
Because this Earth is beautiful. And it's here for your benefit. And the changing leaves are meant to be enjoyed. But not just on your hurried walk to school when you occasionally look up and think, "Wow," but once your homework is finished and you can go for a leisurely walk in a coat and a scarf and just enjoy the season.
And this university is grand and these people are lovely and the time is now and you've got to apply yourself.
Now.
Yeah, those are fun.
9.21.2012
be glad
"This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalms 118:24)
You know, it's easy to let ourselves get so caught up in life that we forget to rejoice in it. I have trouble really enjoying the beautiful walk to and from campus I get to make every day because I'm in such a hurry. And those beautiful flowers outside the library really should be appreciated.
Sometimes I find myself so focused on one aspect of my life that I forget to enjoy the beauty that is everyday life. If something seemingly awful happens, or if something I want to happen doesn't, I let it effect my entire day. I end up getting all bummed out that, you know, he didn't ask for my number (again), and that night I find myself bumming around on the couch and watching a Chopped marathon (not a bad thing in and of itself, however).
But you know, that shouldn't happen. Because this is the day which the Lord hath made. And I really should rejoice and be glad in it, because he made it for me. How ungrateful of me to take this beautiful day and not enjoy it. How awful to forget that this day I'm living is always a gift.
So today, be glad.
Okay?
You know, it's easy to let ourselves get so caught up in life that we forget to rejoice in it. I have trouble really enjoying the beautiful walk to and from campus I get to make every day because I'm in such a hurry. And those beautiful flowers outside the library really should be appreciated.
Sometimes I find myself so focused on one aspect of my life that I forget to enjoy the beauty that is everyday life. If something seemingly awful happens, or if something I want to happen doesn't, I let it effect my entire day. I end up getting all bummed out that, you know, he didn't ask for my number (again), and that night I find myself bumming around on the couch and watching a Chopped marathon (not a bad thing in and of itself, however).
But you know, that shouldn't happen. Because this is the day which the Lord hath made. And I really should rejoice and be glad in it, because he made it for me. How ungrateful of me to take this beautiful day and not enjoy it. How awful to forget that this day I'm living is always a gift.
So today, be glad.
Okay?
9.09.2012
the audition
Sometimes, it's really healthy for us to do things that scare us out of our wits (I apologize ahead of time if any of this post is a repeat from last post - I don't remember exactly what I said and I'm not going to take the time to look it up).
Friday night, I did something like that and auditioned for Divine Comedy, the comedy sketch troupe at my school. It was absolutely terrifying. I've known for about a year that I wanted to do this, but I swayed back and forth on actually following through for such a long time. The past month has been the worst, as I realized auditions were legitimately approaching and I should probably begin working on my audition. I procrastinated, of course, and ended up writing my audition piece Tuesday, memorizing Thursday, and then performing it Friday.
What a comfort it is to have such incredible friends that never stopped cheering me on to do something they knew I wanted to, and that I was capable of. They came over and watched the piece, gave me feedback, provided much-needed pep talks (special thanks to the fabulous roommates [and more specifically Alyssa, who was pretty much calming me down the entire walk to auditions], and my wonderful sister and mother). I'm not someone who gets nervous very often, especially when it has to do with performing or getting up in front of crowds, so this was really surprising for me. I think the difference about this audition was that, 1) I wanted it so badly, 2) I had written the piece and therefore the responsibility fell on me if it flopped, with no one else to blame, and 3) It was an attempt to be funny, relying on your own wit, which frankly is just plain vulnerable.
Well, my audition actually went really well. I walked into the room (packed full of people, as it was an open-audition format where people could come and watch), and calmed down a lot more when I started watching performances. I was thinking, "Okay, I can do this, I really can." My wonderful sister and brother-in-law came and watched, trusty roommate Alyssa was sitting next to me the whole time, hallmates from last year were dispersed throughout the audience, and my other roommate and friend even interrupted their date to come watch. Of course, as soon as they called my block of numbers to come forward, I started feeling like I was going to throw up again. But, you know, old news.
And then I got up there and the adrenaline hit. And suddenly, people were laughing and I realized I hadn't written such a terrible piece after all. And it was amazing. I remembered why I was auditioning in the first place. I remembered that I love to perform, and that I love to make people laugh. And what a satisfaction it was to succeed in that regard.
Late that night, I received a phone call from DC team member Matt Meese (which, in and of itself, was such a cool moment such I pretty much consider him a celebrity in my book - HILARIOUS) telling me I had made it to callbacks the next morning. After a good measure of screaming, cheering, and dancing with my friends, I went to bed. At 9 the next morning, I was back in the Tanner Building ready to roll.
It's funny, because with a lot of people they might find the callbacks more terrifying than the auditions, but I felt the exact opposite. Remember the almost throwing up thing I had going on before? Well now I just felt calm and excited. We did some improv, then had 20 minutes to write a sketch with a group, and after that 30 minutes to write another, all the time being observed and cheered on by the team.
We had an hour and a half break, then came back to see the posted list of finalists, who would be spending all afternoon learning skits with the team, and preparing for a show that evening.
I didn't make the finalists list, guys. But you know what? I felt absolutely fine about it. I think when I tell people I'm happy and totally okay with it all, they think I'm hiding some deep sorrow. But I can honestly say that I'm not. I did my very best, and I have no regrets. I did something I was afraid of - I conquered a fear! And that is seriously the best reward. Even better, I had such an incredibly fun time doing it.
I've also been trying to figure out exactly what direction I want my life to go this year, and it's helpful to know that this is a good answer - that I can keep doing folk dance (at least this year), and that's where I'm supposed to be
So guys. There were 150 auditions, and 24 of us were called back. And if I ever want to feel even more conceited, I can always remember that there are 30,000 people on campus, and only 24 of us made it as far as I did. And that feels good.
If you want to see my audition video, follow this link! I'm sorry it's such bad quality (filmed on my phone), and it's sideways! I tried to fix it, I really did... But I failed. So if any of you are an expert in that area let me know. And for now you can either turn your head sideways, or flip your laptop.
Again, thanks to all of you - I couldn't have done it without your support!
And kudos to you if you read through this entire post. Much admiration going your way.
5.24.2012
neverland
I finally might have a job.
Well, three actually.
Which is more than I could have asked for and I am so happy about it. And so blessed and pleased that things have worked out so well for me.
I also just finished a book tonight. One I'd read before, but was still completely enthralled in nonetheless. Some people I've talked to don't like reading books more than once, but I can't seem to get enough of it. If I find a book I love, I'm definitely going to read it again, because I want to feel that happiness again. You know?
Anyway, now that I've finished it, I'm suffering from a serious bout of PBD (Post-Book Depression). I'm bedridden, actually.
So. I realized that when I get up tomorrow morning, there's not going to be as much freedom to lounge around and wake up when I feel like it, reading my book as I do so. And tomorrow I'll even have to say some goodbyes to my best friend/sister Teo when she and husband move out to Tennessee for the summer. That's no fun. And then I have my food handlers to get sometime throughout the day, as well as call that one place to work out my schedule but only after the other place gets back to me and let's me know my shift there first.
So, there's like... responsibility and stuff.
Which is cool. I mean, this is what I want, right? Yes, it is.
But.
There's still this little kid in me that wants to do nothing all day. I have the desire to just forget about that food and rent I'll be paying in the fall, and just go to Seven Peaks next week despite the training I should be doing. Because, I mean, it's finally getting warm and I'm just going to be cooped up inside all day?
And I really just want to start another book because books are the best and provide such a lovely distraction from real life sometimes. I also want to hop on a plane and visit my best friend Maddy, because I miss her like crazy and she gets me like other people don't. So I could just be completely silent with her and never feel the need to fill that silence. I'd be perfectly happy. Oddly enough, I wouldn't mind seeing Phoenix either, despite the dreadful weather right now.
But, even though my heart is aching to cruise in the jeep with a snoasis and not a care in the world, I know I've gotta do some responsible stuff.
Because I'm growing up and things are just like that.
4.19.2012
that's a wrap
Well, my first year of college has officially come to a close.
The finals are done, the room is packed, the keys have been turned in, the goodbyes have been said, and I am sitting in my old room enjoying my bed.
It was bittersweet leaving the dorms, but mostly sweet. Remember back in July and August when I was freaking out because I didn't have a place to live and I only wanted Heritage and then finally I gave up that hope and trusted Heavenly Father knew what he was doing and got a place in Helaman?
Yes, well. I'm so grateful I did. Because those dorms turned out to be a lot better than I could have imagined. And my roommate turned out to be the best roommate on the planet. And that ward turned out to be right where I needed to be. I am so grateful for each person I met, and especially my hall. Oh, you're getting bored because you don't even know them and you've already read 5 other blog posts by people finishing their freshman year? Here's a clip to liven things up.
Nah, just kidding. I had one all ready to go that's great, because it's our hall doing mattress dominos, but I'm too lazy to figure out how to post it here since it's not mine.
Anyway. Despite an awesome year, I'm really happy to be home. I can't believe I lived in that cramped space for a whole 8 months, and I am thrilled to be near a kitchen again. Not to mention a private bathroom.
This year was great. A lot of things were incredible, but there were a lot of things I wish I'd done differently. And you know, that's okay. Because we learn from our mistakes. Next year I plan on putting myself out there so I can make more friends. Also, next year I also have awesome roommates. Get excited.
Needless to say, I am ecstatic to be here in my bedroom with summer beginning. In less than a month, Snoasis will be opening. And if you know what that is, I'm sure you understand my excitement. If you don't, you haven't lived until you've tasted one of their snocones. I'm pretty pumped.
Oh, but tonight I'm going to the Ingrid Michaelson concert. Huzzah! Remember how I went last year too? Well I did, with Kendra. And now we're both going again.
Which means I should probably get out of bed and attack the day, since it's noon.
3.23.2012
could be sleeping
Went the the Hunger Games premiere last night, like a boss.
We waited in line for quite some time and if I do say so myself it was worth it. I was so immensely satisfied. Especially by the acting. You worry that with a big franchise like this they might not cast things right, but everyone was perfect. I was beyond impressed. My only disappointment? Myself.
I do this really bad thing where I build stuff up in my head so much. And then when it's still incredibly good and well-done, it doesn't meet those expectations. Because they're ALWAYS unrealistic. Always. As in, there's probably no way I could have been more satisfied than I am, and I still have this little ache of disappointment. But, you know, it's okay. It's my own fault, really. I know I do this all the time, but I had forgotten because it had been a while since I had been excited enough for a movie to set such high expectations. Now I remember that I used to walk into every movie with low expectations, and they would be exceeded every time, without fail. So I'll remember that from now on.
Still, I loved the move. Let me make sure you understand - I wasn't like, "OH MY GOSH I'M GONNA DIE THAT WAS SO OVERWHELMING." But I WAS like, "OH. My goodness. So good. SOOO good. Incredible!"
Yeah?
Okay.
Anyway. Whenever I go see movies that compel me like this, it makes me want to be in the film industry. Really really bad.
When I was little, I would make my Christmas lists like this:
-clothes
-candy
-blah blah movie
-blah blah board game
-AGENT
Because I wanted to act in movies. Isn't that a funny story? Wasn't I such a strange child? Yes, I was.
But I gotta tell you, when I go to certain movies, that feeling always returns when they finish. And I sit in the theater after and just say "Why, Mom and Dad? WHY?!" in my head. But most of the time I know that it wouldn't have been a good thing and I'm really grateful I'm not in Hollywood and I probably wouldn't have gotten there anyway.
Nowadays I just feel more like I want to direct or write screenplay. Wouldn't that be cool?
I'm seriously considering it.
Anyway. Pretty tired. I could be taking a nap right now, but I have opted out to waste time online for a bit, since it's rather cathartic and always a nice way to start my weekend.
Hope yours is lovely! And go see the movie if you haven't.
3.08.2012
Some of them
Here are a few scattered thoughts that have been on my mind lately:
1. Why is it so popular to be cynical? I hate that people can't just admit that things are good. They can't accept the fact that they're lucky. And even if there's a lot of hatred and hardship and terrible things happening in the world, it's okay to celebrate what you have, as long as you remain humble about it. The problem comes when you start paying the people that are suffering no mind just because you're well off. Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I don't recognize hardships. Smiling is good. And I truly believe mankind is meant to have joy. So cheer up, folks.
2. Kony 2012. I know there's been a great deal of criticism about this whole deal, and I have my own thoughts (which I'm not going to share with all of you). I will say this, however - people that are complaining about money being spent on publicity and film-making and the emphasis being on Kony - it's working, right? This idea is just crazy backwards enough to work. Calm down.
3. Hunger Games. Oh my gosh, guys. I'm so excited. 2 weeks from tonight, I'll be lining up for a midnight showing with literally 20 other girls from my hall. It will be a party. Occasionally I think about the things that I have to do before the movie comes out and it freaks me out. Because I'm thinking "It's so close!" and then I realize I have tests and papers due before then.
4. I really have a problem with smiling. Not that I smile too much, or that I hate people that smile, but for some reason my face really struggles to smile in many instances. Mostly when I'm out walking on campus or in any public place, really. My face sits in this really unfortunate expression when I don't consciously think about it (usually people are concerned and think something is wrong, and usually nothing is). The hard part is that even though I recognize this, and try to change it, my face struggles moving its muscles up. I'm like, "Self, next person you make eye contact with you have to smile at, ok?" And self is like, "Yeah! We've got this." And then I make eye contact and my face stays the same and they look away before I can actually move the corners of my mouth. And I'm like, "Seeellllf!!" And Self is like, "I know, I know. We'll try harder next time."
5. My roommate. I'm really really grateful for her, guys. She's pretty much the best roommate ever. Not because we're best friends or have the same tastes or interested in the same things or do everything together. No, it's better. We're different, and we get along great. We can sit in silence for hours without it being bothersome, we understand each other's personal space and boundaries, and can usually sense when the other needs some alone time. But we can also stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning just talking about life, and we can laugh really hard because honestly, we're two really hilarious people. And she's okay with the fact that I sometimes talk in my sleep and occasionally sleepwalk, and I'm okay with the fact that she listens to country music and... umm... you know, I can't really think of anything annoying that she does (isn't that great?). Also, we have the same level of cleanliness, which is absolutely superb for our sanity.
6. Divine Comedy is so funny, guys. If you don't know, they're the comedy sketch group for BYU. I went and saw their free tech show last night with some friends and was dying of laughter. Also, it is totally my goal to be on the team one day. I know, it's pretty lofty. But I LOVE that kind of thing, and somehow I just feel like it would totally fit me. I've made the decision not to do theatre anymore, and I'm really happy with that decision, but I still miss performing. And especially making people laugh. I think that's one of my favorite things in life, really - to make people laugh. It gives me such a great reward. I try to do it, and heaven knows I often don't succeed and usually just embarrass myself, but then I get awkward and as a last resort that makes people laugh, my awkwardness. I'm trying out next year.
7. Spring Fever. I've got it, people. I've got it bad.
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