hypocrite

I wish I could tell you that the last three weeks of my life have been full of extreme productivity. I wish I could tell you how I've finished all of my mission shopping, read my scriptures for 2 hours every day, finished my farewell talk, and stayed really healthy.

But the truth is, my days have been filled with a lot more frozen cream puffs, Costco potstickers, and TV shows than I'd like. It's been a lot like, "Hmm, nothing to do. I guess I'll go watch another episode of Masterchef/Gilmore Girls/Drop Dead Diva/So You Think You Can Dance." I mean, who does that? Me, apparently. 

This summer my excuse for not working out was work, and the fact that it always happened during prime work-out hours. By the time I got off, 1) I was exhausted, and 2) it was bloody hot outside, so I went straight back to bed and occasionally did some yoga. Woohoo, tree pose alone in my room. But then as soon as I move out and have all the free time in the world, I'm somehow even worse about finding time to work-out. What is with that?

And I guess life is full of a lot of disappointments like this. I mean, we're all full of great intentions and then of course we get distracted by meaningless things like finally finishing level 29 of Candy Crush when we know our time would be much better served by listening to a Conference talk. Or painting a picture and fine-tuning that talent we've always meant to fine-tune. There isn't nearly enough time to do everything we intend to do, as my good friend Caroline pointed out, so instead we fill our time with the most non-essential things possible rather than start accomplishing those well-intended goals/tasks. How often do I say "I just didn't have time today", but have spent a good portion of the day on facebook?

Speaking of all that technology stuff, I'm getting really sick of how attached our society is to it all. And please don't think I believe myself to be above it, because I'm right there in the midst, and one of the worst. I'm truly so excited to be forced away from that all for 18 months, to focus solely on the Lord.

And even though I know I'm excited, I don't know what to do about the fact that I still find myself checking instagram every few hours for updates. 

thoughts on wanderlust and discouragement and sadness and feeling claustrophobic

Wanderlust. n. A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.

I've got it bad. I've got it so so bad, you guys. I touched on this subject before when I moaned about staying in Provo while everyone else I know travels the world it seems, but seriously I am feeling so claustrophobic. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and it feels absolutely pointless. Which is interesting, because I thought that would really fade when I decided on my major, but it seems to have increased, if anything.

Everywhere I look I see people doing things. And while I might be doing things, I don't really feel like that doing is deserving of italics of any sort. If I could sum up my month thus far in one word, it would be discouragement. Discouragement with the job search, discouragement with myself, discouragement with my attempt to be healthy again, discouragement as I watch other people doing things I wish I could do, discouragement as I try to follow promptings and find myself reaching situations that seem to be nothing more than dead ends.

I said earlier that I feel claustrophobic. That's so true, you know. I just feel like I want to get out, like I have this wanderlust that can't be satisfied right now and it's killing me. I love Provo, and I'm not lying when I say that. I love the people here and I love my ward and I love my campus and I love my roommates and I love living in the shadow of Y mountain. But somehow all of this isn't enough to make me content right now and that's just frustrating. I want to be out doing something different and new. And oh my gosh I think I'm craving change. Who would have ever thought I'd say that? But it's true, I need a change. A change of pace, scenery, people, I don't care -- I just want it to be different than what it is now.

It's really easy to be sad sometimes. And I don't ever want to find myself being sad more often that being happy. But the past couple weeks as things have finally slowed down in my life it's like being hit all over again with some certain sadness(es) that I thought I'd recovered from. I guess I just never thought banana bread and star gazing could make me so melancholy.

And boy oh boy I'm sorry to put such a depressing post on my blog. But it needed to be said and so this is where I'm going to do it. Because I can't be the friend that calls another to do nothing more than whine -- I've been on the other line and it's the pits. It's hard feeling this way and also not wanting to be selfish and just talk about it all the time. Because I know what it's like to have someone just talk about themselves and hardly pay you any heed. So I guess that's why I'm turning to this blog.

I shouldn't feel the need to excuse myself from writing honestly, I know. But I also don't want any of you to worry. I'm fine, just getting it out of my system. Tomorrow will be kinder.

back and forth

It's like the pit of your stomach, that area you didn't even know existed. I mean, you just start to wonder, "Can I seriously do this?" And you try to figure out why in the world it's been so much easier in the past with other people and why this person and this circumstance make it so darn difficult. And not to sound like a cliche Michael Buble song, but you talk yourself in, and you talk yourself out. But then you do it over and over again because apparently if there was an Indecisive award out there you'd win it a million times over.

Carry on.

sushi and stuff

You know when you're so frustrated your body kinda starts shaking? Yeah, experiencing that right now.

I mean, it's fine, really it is. This is the moment where I get concerned texts from my sister and/or mother asking me what caused me to write such a passionate post on my blog. Never fear, family members and others, it's all okay. Bit of an overreaction, really.

But seriously?? Seriously.

Not really angry so to speak, but frustrated that things keep adding to my utter confusion.

In other news, going to get sushi tonight with some friends, so that'll be awesome. You best believe it's half off Tuesday and Thursday nights at Demae. And no, this isn't a sponsored post because, hi, 41 followers. But if Demae did want to sponsor me, all I'm saying is I wouldn't object to a year's supply of free sushi.

School is awesome. I really enjoy studying subjects that interest me, and so far this growth mindset is helping my studying a lot. The best part? It's paying off, and I can see the effects of that. What I don't like about school is the deciding a major part. I wish I attended Hogwarts and I could get called into McGonagall's office and she could be all "So you want to work at the Ministry?" to which I'd respond, "Yeah, sure, because what else is there to do in the wizarding world?" and she'd say, "LOL you're right and it's a good thing you're not a muggle because they have an absurd amount of choices."

But alas. I still have to make that weighted decision and seriously WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GREAT THINGS OUT THERE. I mean, grateful for that. But maybe I wish I wasn't interested in so many of them, you know?

Whaterr.

Have a super day, will you?