thoughts on wanderlust and discouragement and sadness and feeling claustrophobic

Wanderlust. n. A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.

I've got it bad. I've got it so so bad, you guys. I touched on this subject before when I moaned about staying in Provo while everyone else I know travels the world it seems, but seriously I am feeling so claustrophobic. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and it feels absolutely pointless. Which is interesting, because I thought that would really fade when I decided on my major, but it seems to have increased, if anything.

Everywhere I look I see people doing things. And while I might be doing things, I don't really feel like that doing is deserving of italics of any sort. If I could sum up my month thus far in one word, it would be discouragement. Discouragement with the job search, discouragement with myself, discouragement with my attempt to be healthy again, discouragement as I watch other people doing things I wish I could do, discouragement as I try to follow promptings and find myself reaching situations that seem to be nothing more than dead ends.

I said earlier that I feel claustrophobic. That's so true, you know. I just feel like I want to get out, like I have this wanderlust that can't be satisfied right now and it's killing me. I love Provo, and I'm not lying when I say that. I love the people here and I love my ward and I love my campus and I love my roommates and I love living in the shadow of Y mountain. But somehow all of this isn't enough to make me content right now and that's just frustrating. I want to be out doing something different and new. And oh my gosh I think I'm craving change. Who would have ever thought I'd say that? But it's true, I need a change. A change of pace, scenery, people, I don't care -- I just want it to be different than what it is now.

It's really easy to be sad sometimes. And I don't ever want to find myself being sad more often that being happy. But the past couple weeks as things have finally slowed down in my life it's like being hit all over again with some certain sadness(es) that I thought I'd recovered from. I guess I just never thought banana bread and star gazing could make me so melancholy.

And boy oh boy I'm sorry to put such a depressing post on my blog. But it needed to be said and so this is where I'm going to do it. Because I can't be the friend that calls another to do nothing more than whine -- I've been on the other line and it's the pits. It's hard feeling this way and also not wanting to be selfish and just talk about it all the time. Because I know what it's like to have someone just talk about themselves and hardly pay you any heed. So I guess that's why I'm turning to this blog.

I shouldn't feel the need to excuse myself from writing honestly, I know. But I also don't want any of you to worry. I'm fine, just getting it out of my system. Tomorrow will be kinder.